Why mothers and daughters compete
Adult women, though, and the home, hardly coexist in the same kitchen, and adolescent girls it is not easy to grow up with the jealous moms.
So competition does not destroy the relationships of loved ones, it is better not to ignore (say, the problem does not concern us), and to investigate such a possibility, says analyst Ilona Tyszkiewicz.
Almost every fairy tale for girls begins with how his father married a bitchy beauty. And it’s not that at every step met orphans. Tales designed not only to them, and normal children. The growing child with a good relationship with my mother can not openly recognize the spirit of competition. Not so ashamed to dream about the victory over the “evil alien aunt” than a real parent. Incidentally, the first sibling rivalry occurs in 4-6 years, when it becomes clear that to marry dear old dad will not succeed – he’s busy. A child looks in a new way: on the one hand, this is mom’s favorite, on the other hand,… Oh, you had to be born before it and “borrow” dad. In adolescence there is another interest is: beautiful I mom?
These stages are experienced in all children. Here are just a reaction to this mom totally different. Some ignore it, others are outraged, and others – are to jealous to the attention of others, to the point that they no longer “the fairest of them all”. In the saddest cases, do not miss the opportunity morally “pinch” the competitor. For a child it is always psychological trauma.
How not to become a stepmother to his child
According to the classification of French psychoanalysts Carolina Eliacheff and Natalie Anish, there are two unhealthy extremes: “women are more than mothers and mothers more than women”.
The first ladies – from those who care about their appearance, appreciate their femininity and still is even with the years in good shape. But the children, even when they are still toddlers, these ladies are cool. The relationship with her husband means to her a lot more. “More women” often become pregnant not by choice, but by chance or at the insistence of her husband, relatives. With motherhood they attribute the loss of beauty, tedious chores, the transformation of the “broody”. For them as important compliments and admiring glances of the opposite sex. Sons receive less attention (they are eager to leave for babysitters and grandparents). But with my daughters relationship sharpened in adolescent age. Not kiss, not a hug, Not like the mother, not particularly bright girl – a reason to be ashamed of, to try to “fix” the child, focusing on the exterior (in the course are dance clubs and manners, speech therapists, hairdressers and even doctors). If the girl “managed”, doubts, like in a fairy tale: “I l the fairest one of all?”. Woman annoyed by the attention shown to her daughter. And not recognizing their true motives, she can criticize the girl with the peers, calling her look “geeky”, “tasteless”. Often such mothers can hear that her daughter is “growing a prostitute”, is immoral.
What to do daughter. If you realize that you were raised by such a mother, do not rush to accuse, but think about the true motives. She was just jealous. Criticism is not more adequate than the woman, a touch of your opponent. So it is better to rely on the opinion of you other people. It is important to get rid of feelings of guilt, to understand that you were not “bad daughter”. But with low self-esteem will take work, because such education fosters “the Cinderella complex”. As an adult woman, you are much more likely to establish a relationship with the mother, especially if she has a successful family life. Over the years these women
What’s a mother to do. If you think sbaraccano, bright woman, but the relationship with my daughter why something went wrong, think about it, whether in this “shadow” competition. This option is particularly likely if you constantly pulls the baby, make comments, and all this is connected with the theme clothes, looks, relationships with boys, talking about relationships in books and movies. Better to catch yourself on the little things and miss than to allow the subconscious to influence a happy future for your child.
How not to become a mother to her husband
The second type is more of a mother than a woman.Seemingly infinite care, fine. But talking about the special case, when women not feel like women don’t respect men, motherhood becomes the meaning of life. The work departs on the second place, forgotten interests, friends, books. Perhaps the supermom at the same time willing to “nurse” and her husband, as well prousakova as alone with the kids. Children nothing to complain about: their talaskia and carried. If “under the wing” from “big momma” and her husband, the relationship unfold a little differently. Most men experience irritation from excessive worries and care. The stronger spouse essentially, the more aggressive reaction can cause. Sooner or later he or a mistress, or leaves. In any case, in fact the woman is left alone with children. The same receive little attention from dad.
But there is one exception! Infantile representatives of the stronger sex, a kind of “boys men” can live together in this atmosphere. Fed, dressed, seated on the sofa, he received a “favorite toys”. Now everything is the same – children. Here are just intimate relationships still suffer. Because you can not “sleep with her mother” – subconsciously husband feels the ban, although the wife he does not listen. Many families, unfortunately, live by this principle: mother, knocking, she tends and cares for all, the rest of the family is quite friendly, having fun. For example, watching the television series. Girls cozy family nest to grow up and not want a long. And if she’s married, she leads… another “child” to the parents in an apartment. The guy who fits conveniently on the family sofa, often just like your daddy.
“Nurse” starts and loses
In more severe cases, the woman-mother is not ready to admit to Chad from the beginning none: no father, no siblings or peers. She doesn’t realize that the baby is a separate person, it’s her “baby”, a favorite toy. Many of these women are either divorced or gave birth out of wedlock. Such neglect does not develop the child, artificially delaying it at an earlier age. Five-year Chad breastfeed, a ten-year leave for a minute alone and justify violent tantrums for any reason. Of course, such a mother would struggle to resist the growing up daughter dress up teen in baby clothes, prohibit adult books and movies, to “protect” from her friends. Behavior quickly goes beyond reason: a woman can monitor her daughter, reading her diaries and listening to phone conversations. Begins psychological violence leaves for my daughter only two ways: to rebel, too early to break away from their parent families, or accept and “do as he wants mommy.” The latter option over the years leads to a cramped and unnatural unity of mother and daughter that any third extra for them. Neither older nor younger women can’t have female destiny, start a family and live together. Even dreaming about grandchildren, the mother will criticize and “discourage” any real gentlemen’s daughters. The same, becoming older, more acutely aware of their lack of experience in love relationships and she is afraid of them. Also a little over the years to separate himself from an aging mother prevents feeling guilty. The old woman with a complex character and her daughter, spinster – a couple of them, alas, can be found in life, and in classical literature.
What to do daughter. To run. To maintain cordial relations and in the distance, but to live a grown woman needs in a particular territory. Separate yourself economically, take (or buy) an apartment. If sverepec is behind us, the task to realize your age. You are not matured girl among “adults”. You are at least 18 years old young woman.
What’s a mother to do. If my daughter has no friends, except you, and it does not depart from your skirt, no cause for rejoicing. More freedom for the child – and no matter how anxious now, over the years, that guarantees a better future. Fear that prevents to take ownership and the growing up of children, is associated with their own age. After all, if the kids are still “Babes” means, and you are young. Actually, your psychological youth depends on you. There are plenty of other ways to show it is to go to the rink, to enroll, to buy an expensive dress and maddening men perfume.
The Pope is the crucial role of
Fortunately, these types of mothers are not so common. The key to a healthy upbringing of daughters, according to psychoanalysts, is simple: to unite and maternal feelings, and femininity. A lot of this can help men. Even in the “mommy” you can Wake up lady, if distinctly to stop its swarnalata and relieve the “domestic front”. When a woman is confident of the love and support of her husband, she did not need any more male attention (as in the case of “stepmother”), nor the constant presence of the child (as in the case of “mother”).