To COMMUNICATE WITH the CHILD.
I have recently read a book by Y. B. Gippenreiter «to Communicate with the child. How?». And I liked it so much that I decided to publish it on the blog pages. The book makes us parents to reflect and reconsider their behavior and attitude towards children. Today I present to you the first two lessons from this book
Unconditional acceptance is the principle without the adoption of which all attempts to establish a relationship with the child are unsuccessful.
Of course to adopt a child is to love him not for what he’s handsome, smart, capable, successful, etc. and just like that, just for what he is!
Parents say: “If you’re good, I’ll love you”. Or: “I won’t feel good until you don’t …(to be lazy, to fight, to be rude), starts …(good grades, help around the house)”.
In these statements directly inform the child that it is taken CONDITIONALLY, that his love or will love, “ONLY IF …”. Conditional, evaluative attitude toward man is characteristic of our culture. It is embedded in the minds of children.
The reason the estimated relationships in the belief that REWARDS AND PUNISHMENT are the main educational tools. But there is a pattern here:
More than child abuse, the worse it becomes
Why is this happening? But because child rearing is not a taming. Parents are not there to develop in children a conditional reflexes.
Psychologists proved that the need for love in usefulness to another, one of the fundamental requirements. Its satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child.
Parents should tell the child:
“Well, we have what you are”
“I’m glad to see you”
“I like you”
“I love when you’re home”
“I feel good when we are together”
V. Satir: “4 hugs is a must for anyone just for survival, but for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! Not only the child but also the adult.”
What develops “a complex of rejection” as children get older. Here is an excerpt from the letter of 14-year-old girl:
“My least favorite days of the resurrection. Mom scolds me, yelling, would speak humanly, I would better understand. I was tired of living. Please help! Help. ”.
Resentment, loneliness, despair…
Write to 13-14 years. And those who are older, already hardened. They don’t want to see their parents.
And the parents feel? How they live? They had no less bitterness and resentment: “Not life, but one torment”.
Believe me, all is not lost: parents can bring peace back into the family. But you need to start with yourself! Sharpen that adults have more knowledge, ability to control oneself, to experience more life.
Let’s try to understand what the obstacles are parents to unconditionally accept the child.
1. Attitude to education.
“How am I going to hug him, if he lessons not learned? First, the discipline, and then a good relationship. Otherwise I’ll ruin him”.
Mother of “pedagogical considerations” gets in the way of criticisms, gets into a vicious circle, the circle of discontent, conflict. Where is the mistake? Error in the beginning: the discipline not to, and after the establishment of good relations, and only on the basis of them.
2. The child was born unplanned. My parents wanted to live in the “fun”, that he did not really need.
3. Dreamed about a boy and a girl.
4. The child is responsible for the disturbed marital relationship . he like his father, gestures, facial expressions give her a blank hostility.
5. Enhanced educational attitude of the parent . to compensate for their failures in life, not the realized dream or desire, spouse to prove its necessity, indispensability.
Try to think about the reason of rejection of the child and do the homework assignment.
Homework 1 . Let’s see how you manage to take your child. To do this during the day (preferably 2-3) try to count how many times you turned to him with emotionally (+) attitude, and how much (-) (grumble, shout, comment, criticism). If the number of (-) calls = or > (+), then you have communication problems.
Homework 2. Close your eyes a minute and imagine that you meet your best friend (or girlfriend). How do you show that pleased him he is dear to you and close? Now imagine that it’s your own child: behold he comes home from school and you show that happy to see him. Now you will be easier to do it actually, before any other words and questions. Well, if things continue this meeting in the same vein for several more minutes. Not afraid to “spoil” him during these moments, it is totally unthinkable.
Homework 3. Hug your child at least 4 times a day (morning greeting and a kiss Goodnight is not considered).
Homework 4. Performing the previous two tasks, pay attention to the child’s response, and their own feelings too.
How to be in cases where the child is doing “wrong”, doesn’t listen, annoying?
The child was busy with something, does something, but not that bad, with errors.
In General, different children react differently to a parent is “wrong”: some grustnaya and are lost, others are offended, others are rebelling: “bad Times, not going at all!”.
Why children don’t like this treatment?
Remember myself as a child. When we impose this “easy” children who have difficulty, we have wronged! The child has the right for us to be offended.
Look at year-old child who is learning to walk. Few parents will come to mind to teach: “Is this the way to go? Check this out! Well all work out? I told you many times, don’t move your hands! Go once more to do it right!”
Of course? Ridiculous? But from a psychological point of view favorite criticisms addressed to the child who learns to do things himself!
How to teach, not to point out the errors? Point out errors need to be especially careful.
Firstly, it is worth noting each error;
Secondly, the error is better to discuss, at a time when the child is passionate about, and then in a relaxed atmosphere.
Finally, comments should be on the overall approval.
And does the child about their mistakes? Agree, often knows how feels neverlost steps year-old boy.
And how it applies to them? It turns out, more tolerant than adults.
Why? And he is happy because he get something out of it, because he already “is”, albeit shakily. Besides, he guesses: tomorrow will be better!
We comments I want to achieve the best results. And it turns out the opposite.
DON’T MEDDLE IN BUSINESS THAT A BUSY CHILD, UNLESS HE ASKS FOR HELP. HIS LAISSEZ-FAIRE YOU WILL TELL HIM: “ARE YOU ALL RIGHT! OF COURSE, YOU CAN DO IT!”
Homework 1. Make a list of things your child can in principle cope on their own, although not always completely.
Homework 2. Select a few cases and try never to interfere in their performance. Encourage the efforts of the child, regardless of their result.
Homework 3. Remember 2-3 errors, especially annoying. Take the time and the right tone to talk about them.