To beat or not to Beat the child-rearing practices
Countless screaming and spanking parents suffers from guilt, from the consciousness of his parent “incompetence”.
And can be, no need to bother? The inadmissibility of the use of physical violence and yelling as a means of bringing unchallenged. But we are not always Teachers, and sometimes even just real people. All people differ in many qualities, such as temperament and other properties of the nervous system. And if you have “explosive” or just enough emotional temperament, the constant attempts to “control myself”, not letting his violent feelings near the surface, may lead you to a real nervous breakdown or illness. Constantly suppressed anger can cause the development of hypertension, for example.
It seems that recently we talked about the fact that you cannot use the child as a “punching bag”, and tore off the irritation, “outweighing” on his own psychological turmoil. This is true.
But if the child brought you “boiling point”, if your violent reaction caused his behavior (and not by problems in their personal lives, rudeness in public transport or injustice of his superiors at work) – honestly, you have the right to shout and even plunk.
This, incidentally, is much better for the child.
The most painful childhood memories, the bitterest resentment and painful disappointments found in people who were brought up very “correct”, it is extremely balanced parents machines.
You know, there are: very quiet and cold voice, with a straight face chastising the guilty child. They say horrible words, like “I’m disappointed” or even “You are no longer my son!” Or just stop talking to the child, and the icy silence can last for days and even weeks.
This is the worst thing for a child left him, abandoned him, he was alone. He is “wrong”, wrong, despise him. Believe me, he would give anything for a simple, human slap or angry shouts, followed by a rapid reconciliation and her mother’s warm kiss.
If the child got to it, he will not mind (or rather, probably will take offense at the moment of punishment, which is absolutely normal and right, but will not remember it for life).
But if you feel guilty for his lack of restraint, nothing prevents you, having calmed down, ask the child for forgiveness. Just walk up to him and say, “I’m Sorry I yelled at you. You did so-and-so, and so disturbed me that I could not control myself. I’m sorry”. Apologizing makes sense, even if the child is still quite small. Let them from an early age he acquires this experience. The baby will know that anyone can get out of yourself, but you’ll understand why, and why there was such a flash, and will then be able to calm down and critically look at their behavior. An emotional outburst is not a crime, it rarely happens; but it is not the normal behavior that is not the way to Express your feelings always.
The child, too, are emotional explosions. The crisis of stubbornness often parents remembered primarily just childish tantrums on any occasion. The child will be easier to cope with them, to learn self-control, if he will see: this sometimes happens with adults, this is normal, although not very well.
All this applies to episodic, not too frequent manifestation of violent feelings. If you notice that you are constantly drawn to shout and spank it, – there is reason to think.
If a child is slapped by a mom who basically never raises his hand on him, it will be for him a significant event, stating that this time he has exceeded all conceivable limits. When the child cry once a year, he understands and remembers very well what he should not do.
If news is always that it produces no impression. However, he himself begins to shout, instead of an intelligent conversation. If the only way the beliefs of parents believe upside the head, and then brought up this way, the child is not looking for other means to communicate with their peers. When the abuse of such aggressive “methods of education” the child does not even arise the idea that their aggressive ambitions it would be good to control, to restrain, to find a socially acceptable form of expression.
Just push yourself in anger is not the solution. This can not demand from the child and even yourself. If you feel unable to cope with their negative emotions, you will have to work on yourself.
In the first place. it makes sense to learn at least the basics of anger management, some techniques of relaxation (relaxation); you can think for yourself what kind of “special recipes” to let off steam.
Secondly. the “clean” need not only the symptoms (in this case, poorly controlled bursts of negative emotions) as the very “disease.” Do not rely too much on what you will help Valerian. Chronic irritation, anger attacks do not exist by themselves. It had to be for cause, and her need to find and fix. This reason is not always possible to determine independently; in this case there are psychologists. In any case, the child should not suffer from internal discord and chaos in the soul of the parents.
At a certain age the child really starts to behave not the best way, making it quite deliberately because he did not “misbehave”, and checks the bounds of the rules is permissible. In such situations, you will certainly need to exercise and severity, and persistence, defending their point of view.
The best way to deal with a small photojoy is to be attentive to him. Listen to your child and not to the recommendations developed by specialists of “nurturing” children and designed for an abstract, “average”, man.
Yes, the child may manipulate their parents, achieving the desired not entirely – or even completely – unfair ways. But, first, this is not true for infants: they are too small for such a “cunning”. Secondly, the kid set up this way only if not up and sees the other way is more direct and bright.
If you are sincere in your feelings and actions (and in General, and in relation to the baby), if you are really attentive and willing to interact with the child and not to just the effects on him, he won’t need to manipulate you, to scandals or disease to put pressure on your “pain points” to achieve his goal.
Not necessarily to strive for excellence.
Do not put ourselves knowingly unattainable goals.
Every rose has its thorn, every child is “inconvenient” traits. Neither the rose nor the child does not feel any less beautiful. Probably you are waiting for and complexity, and children’s moods, and moments of confusion, anger or self-doubt. Believe me, it’s not scary – it’s natural.
Trusting yourself and your child, together you will overcome any problems and differences.